I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
