then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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