We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
