i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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