also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
