we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Watching her eat just hurts me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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