he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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