Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize