it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
