I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
