Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
