Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
