It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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