u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
