No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
