If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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