Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Michael Bay diarrhea
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
