$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
