I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize