I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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