hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize