Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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