The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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