i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
