I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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