it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
