Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
