I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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