Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
