1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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