My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
