she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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