How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
