I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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