just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize