she woke up with a sticky ear
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
