can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Randomize