apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
