update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
