Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Randomize
