You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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