I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fuck appropriateness.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
