Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
