I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
