ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
