after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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