You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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