i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Rumble strips road head = magical
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
