you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
