apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
