And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
