I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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