I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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