i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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