When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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