it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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