hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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