Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Randomize
