I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
