I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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