your parents love me but you hate me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
