I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
